future · journey · lessons · loss · love · love purgatory · moving on · the one · thoughts · words


I wrote yesterday’s blog post in the morning.  Later in the day, a friend posted a link on their facebook page

love purgatory

If I had read this a few months ago, or even right before the post by Sheryl Sandberg, I probably would have found myself booking a vacation to the past.  There were so many things in there that spoke to me, so many things she said that resonated with me.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

It speaks to ‘that’ relationship.  Not every relationship, not everyone who leaves your life, she is talking about that one relationship, that one person who so deeply impacted your life, that although they are no longer a part of your life, they are.

I do need to disagree though with the end

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

There is no way to know what the future holds for any of us.  In order to ‘kick the shit out of option B’ there is no value in hoping that the only way out of love purgatory is for that person to return.  That just leaves you in purgatory.

I have worked so hard digging my way out of purgatory, to try to come to peace with the unknown and the unfinished.  I have struggled and lost and struggled and won the battle of trying to appreciate all of the gifts that relationship provided.  I have done everything in my power to open myself up to the future without holding on to the ‘one day’ scenario.  The ‘one day’ thought is the key to my cell in purgatory.

So I don’t think ‘one day’ anymore.  It made me feel better for a while, that certain people are meant to be together and that someday……….but we are human with our own thoughts, dreams, fears and demons.  This is not a work of fiction where the star-crossed lovers live happily ever after.  This is life full of imperfect, flawed humans who don’t always have the endings they want.

I will always understand love purgatory and I will always understand not getting the outcome I was hoping for.  Waiting for the day when we can be with that person is not really living, it’s a holding pattern usually keeping you drowning in memories, what if’s and if only’s.  You can’t get out there and live, you can’t be open to the future if you are waiting.

Might they return?  Is it possible that someday justice will prevail and you will have your happy ending with your ‘one’?  Sure.  Is it also more likely that the person will not return? I think so.

In the end, I can and probably will grieve for option A for the rest of my life.  Love doesn’t end, the gifts, lessons and memories don’t disappear with the person when they leave.  But, I will also kick the shit out of option B.  If I don’t, then shame on me for not being open to what is waiting around the next bend in the road of my journey.

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