cranky · dreams · fear · frustrated · growth · journey · lessons · lessons learned · strength · stuck · tests · transitions · truth · wisdom · words · writing

down the rabbit hole….

I should know better….I mean I seriously should know better by now…

There is always a test & it always seems to be a pop quiz…

I had a pretty good weekend, if you read my blog you know I spent the weekend with two fascinating men that offered me a lot of inspiration & I felt it

I also decided that eating as though I was Jesus at the last supper all the time was not helping anything so I decided to buckle down & get my act together, again…

I realized how much fear I was dealing with in my life and made some other commitments to myself as well

and then……

I woke up this morning and clearly remembered my dream & who was in it.  I remember dreams sometimes & even wrote about it but it is pretty rare that I have total recall.  I have figured out when I have total recall or very specific recall, it stays with me…

Therefore……today has been a test, a real deal stuck in the past, thinking about things that I had hoped I had come to terms with and made peace with kind of day.

The kind of day that on the 3rd day of not eating crap you wind up disgusted that you have not dropped 20 pounds because instant gratification has joined the parade of negative feelings bombarding me as well.

The kind of day when really nothing makes you happy, everything in your house needs to be changed, everything in your life is wrong & the fact that mother nature left a sheet of ice in your backyard just adds the scoop of ice cream on top of that warm brownie you aren’t eating.

It was a don’t want to motivate, accomplish anything, wallow in your cranky, sad(ish), life isn’t fair, mindset kind of day.

So why you may ask am I unloading on you?  Well, because it’s my blog and because in a moment of clarity I realized that there is always a test.  When you make decisions to move forward, you are going to run up against a roadblock or seven.  It is a test of your desire to really change.  You see, your negative is trying to stay in control and in most cases, your desire to change directly threatens that.

It is the gate you need to walk through to move in a new direction.  It pulls out all of the stops, it knows what buttons to push, what will have the best chance to keep you stuck, so you don’t move forward.

It’s a tricky fellow, and it is super effective…but back to that recognition thing….I let it have its way with me today but I’m walking up to and through the gate.

Nice try, I mean really, super effective things to throw at me today but I’m starting to see through you and hopefully as I move forward, I will recognize you earlier next time.




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