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reflection

So I decided to give dating a shot again.

Such a strange world to be a part of.  On Friday night I met a man for dinner. We had a nice time, often commiserating on the ‘joys’ of dating.  One of the things he mentioned was logistics.  One story was about someone he dated for a while that had a dog.  He enjoys doing things spur of the moment.  Although he dated her for a while, ultimately what he was looking for was someone with the ability leave at a moments notice.  A person needing to find a pet sitter or kennel probably was not the best fit for him long term.  He has no kids at home, no pets to speak of either. Little things that you don’t realize actually matter to you.  He didn’t mind her having a dog, in the end though I think he minded not being able to enjoy his unencumbered lifestyle because the person he was dating had a life that required more planning than his.  It led to a discussion about compromise and trying to blend two individual, independent lives into a relationship.

When I left, I started thinking, thinking a lot.  In the last few years, I have, often through necessity, learned to depend on myself.  I have probably always been an independent type of person but being completely responsible for everything, including my children created a new normal of making decisions on my own, not sharing my life with another person in the every day.  Even the last relationship I was in was long distance so in some ways it was great and in others it was harder. The distance though meant that we never really had to deal with everyday logistics.

As my girl child has begun her own life away at school, that leaves the man-child home with me.  Our new normal.  The more I thought about logistics and the idea of trying to create a new relationship, the more I realized that I am not sure that I want to figure it out right now.  With a graduate school application in my near future, I realized that although I miss a relationship, I’m not sure I want to have to work for that too right now.

It was a strangely freeing process to go through.  I don’t want to be trying to figure out how to divide my time between someone new and my son right now.  My children have never met anyone I dated, so that plays a huge part in this. In order to really date or start a new relationship, it feels as though I would basically have to split myself in half.  Trying to divide my time between a new person and my kid, who I would be leaving a lot.  As a disclaimer, he likes being left home alone, and it doesn’t bother him at all.  He also is a really good kid so I am not concerned about leaving him home alone.  I also have zero problem leaving him home alone when I go out although the frequency that I go out is relatively low.

When I break it down,  I am more concerned about the way I would feel.  I don’t have a split custody arrangement so I don’t have the ‘free weekend’ ‘free night’ thing working.  I think about the idea of going on dates doesn’t really bother me but if you find you like someone and want to know them better, want to spend time with them, then the real work begins.  The strange dance of logistics, not allowing them at my house (certainly not at the beginning), always going to their house, being the one driving back and forth all the time, etc.

So apparently I am going to bow out once again from the dating world.  While I am very aware of the things I miss in a relationship, I am pretty sure, I am not really willing to do the work in the romance area right now.  If there is an award for the person who has had their dating profile hidden the longest, I would imagine that I would be in the running.

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