well, technically since I don’t like running, anything (but that really isn’t the point of this post)
I have been struggling a lot with whether or not to post anything specific about my emotions this weekend.
Atlanta was a great distraction & I will say I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be the mother of these amazing kids I have. As crazy as everyday life can be, the privilege of being able to help raise these two magnificent humans is humbling.
Well this weekend was an anniversary of sorts. A year since I heard the voice of the person I thought was my future. I knew no matter where I was or what I was doing this weekend I was going to have moments. I did, a lot of them.
When someone chooses not to be your future, they become your lesson. The challenge is figuring out the lesson. I realize more and more that some of the most important relationships offer you more than just one lesson.
Some lessons are harder than others to learn and accept. Those lessons where you need to really dig deep and start dealing with your stuff. I would love to tell you that I have come out the other side, in some ways, I think I have. In other ways, I’m still sparring with that opponent.
One of my most surprising struggles was just how deeply I wanted/needed to be right. When you have that deep of a need to be right, you need the other person to be wrong. If I am being completely honest, I was convinced with every ounce of my being that we were meant to be together. For a long time, I was waiting for him to come to the realization that he made a mistake, that he was wrong. In the end, my selfish was driving my thoughts.
This is not a post to tell you how to stop missing a person. I will tell you in time that you have much longer periods of ‘good’ but I will get still get sideswiped sometimes and have to fight my way out. I guess I have learned better digging out skills than I ever had before. I have learned to let the feelings come, try to let myself feel but not get pulled under.
Another piece of my struggle is, really letting go. When you want/need to be right, you can’t let go because you are waiting for them to realize they made a huge mistake. I did not respect the decision for quite a while. I felt compelled to say something, more than once, a lot more than once. For the most part, they were things I really wanted to say, and convinced myself that I needed to say them. I would be a huge liar if I didn’t admit that I did hope and pray I would get words in return.
Every time you do not get a word in return, you are supposed to learn from that, let’s just say that one is a lesson I didn’t master for a long time. I would be an even bigger liar if I didn’t admit, I still fight the urge.
Some days, I really believe that I have accepted what is real. The acknowledgement that our part in each others lives were meant to be as teachers not partners. I truly believe it is all part of the journey. The good days as well as the bad ones. The days when you feel hope and optimism for the future as well as the days you can barely get out of bed.