So I knew what my next post was going to be about until this morning & my detour.
I little bit ago, I started writing a quick blog leaving out all kinds of pertinent information & actually apologizing for it. So I am now editing this post & am going to try to be more transparent because in the end when I speak in code, I realized I am hiding. The hiding was a bit of shame, feeling weak & not wanting to own it.
I realized this morning after getting an email notification that I had been unfriended (no, not the first time) on one of the too many sites I have an account on. Depending on the site, I am sure I am unfriended more often than I realize, but I purposely looked at my ‘connections’ this morning & discovered a name missing.
I wasn’t surprised but I was sad. Still part of the process. The me I want to be would just ‘bless & release’ while the me I still am decided to do a search.
The search led to a discovery that I was unprepared for. I uncovered something I didn’t know, I got a piece of information & have no idea if it is a good and happy thing or not. A few months ago, I would have known the whole story, I would have been a part of the process of un-named ‘discovery’. I am not, in the reality of today, the information is none of my business. (The specific information I ‘saw’ is not being published here because quite frankly, it’s not my place to say it & while I struggle with many things, I do not betray people’s trust whether or not they are still in my life or not).
So today I am struggling. I am struggling with my emotions. I am struggling with thoughts and feelings. I am trying to allow myself to feel what is swirling around because I am really working to honor & acknowledge my emotions without allowing them to run me over.
So, I guess I will ride it out today while hoping & praying that all is well with someone I used to know.