So you know every once in a while when you realize you just looked at the clock to see the time, to know when your daily morning phone call was coming? Then you pause because you don’t get a morning phone call anymore? Yeah, that.
Then you sit with it for a bit because you are trying to respect your emotions, you are trying really hard to allow the rip tide of memories and thoughts that were triggered by an innocent glance at the clock.
You let the sad come, the ‘never again’ things swirling through your mind. You find yourself worrying because there is no information anymore where there used to be everything.
You even think, at some point there will be a new normal that will include someone else, and you fight tears because you know today, even as you are working through your lessons and baby stepping forward, you still can’t always wrap your head around how different your life is from what you wanted it to be. To try to trust that the future holds more & better, even though you believed your vision of the future was exactly what you wanted with all of your heart.
Then you wonder if maybe, just maybe they have those moments too. Maybe even though you know it has nothing to do with you anymore, you secretly hope that they feel that sometimes too.
It would appear today is a day of emotional balancing for me. To allow myself to grieve but not allow myself to return to stuck. Today’s lesson is remembering the gratitude & good that is in my life, to try to focus on those who stayed, those without the ‘termination clause’ in their contract.