balance · beliefs · blog · change · chaos · feelings · grateful · lessons · life · mom · self discovery · surrender · Uncategorized · wisdom · women · words · writing

1 step forward…..2 steps back

I have decided to embrace the saying ‘1 step forward, 2 steps back’.

Hang with me for a second.

Normally, I would equate that phrase as a negative. The attempt to ‘move forward’ but inevitably feeling defeated, realizing or deciding that I really am moving backwards.

I am making a shift in my thinking.

Perusing my behavioral history, when faced with things I don’t like, when something happens that makes me sad or unhappy, when I am deep in my own personal insecurities, I stop & insulate.  Stopping, in & of it self isn’t the problem. Taking stock, hitting the pause button in order to assess, can be a valuable tool.  I tend to remain in my holding pattern for longer than I should.

Personal history might also suggest that when I venture out, I usually return to my ‘safe place’.  A moment of clarity, a small victory recognized, swiftly followed by an episode of ‘2 steps back’ can do that to a person.

So, this is why I am going to celebrate this phrase although to many, it seems counter intuitive.

Steps in any form infer movement.  Movement in any direction is still movement. It breaks the holding pattern.

Conventional wisdom, inspirational quotes and basic logic infers that looking back, or going backwards is not the direction you want to go when you are on a journey. People more spiritual & wise than I, tell you to leave the past where it is, to not go back or bother looking back.

I agree with the concept but have decided it is something to strive toward.

While I like to be ‘unique’ I believe that most people have a lot of difficulty with the actuality of just turning it off, or just moving on.  The quote never really explains how to magically stop,  it is often hard, gritty, sad work.  Reconciling events, actions, trying to surrender to what is instead of what we wanted.  Forgiving someone who hurt you, releasing negative feelings can seem impossible.  Worse sometimes, you don’t know how to forgive yourself for something you did.  It is not easy to turn off the thoughts running through your head, the emotions that feel overwhelming, or the sadness in your heart.  It can be nearly impossible to not catch yourself thinking ‘what if’ & ‘if only’.

So I am choosing to celebrate movement.

I choose to believe that like a baby learning to use their legs, I will land on my butt a lot, I will wobble around because, there is no magic wand that makes us forget, there is no pill you can take to erase noise & fear.

I choose to believe that every baby step forward should be celebrated.

I choose to believe that even on days where I feel as though it has been a ‘net loss’, the mere fact I was able to baby step forward even if it was for 5 minutes, is a win. It is not a game of rock, paper, scissors.  This is not best 2 out of 3, this is my life, my personal journey.  I need to learn to give myself grace as I would another person.  I need to be my own cheering section.

I choose to believe that if I keep moving, I will wake up one morning realizing that I am starting to have ‘net gains’.

So for as long as it takes, trying counts.


2 thoughts on “1 step forward…..2 steps back

  1. I admire the simplicity of your blog…its starkness…the words clean and seamless come to mind. I too hate change so I understand your mouse preference.

    Economy of words….more coming to mind. Susannah Bianchi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s