balance · blog · change · chaos · feelings · grateful · lessons · life · mother · self discovery · silence · stress · surrender · wisdom

I enjoy quiet, usually….

I remember when the kids were little, praying for ‘peace & quiet’ in a whirl of loud children’s voices

I have experienced some really beautiful things in quiet times.  When you have the ability to just be, without interruption, it can be a life changing experience.

Since there appears to always be two sides of a coin, sometimes silence is awkward and uncomfortable.  You know what I’m talking about.   Silence has a way of magnifying.  When you are in a good and open place, it allows for more peace.  When you are in a bad place, a bad situation, the miserable feeling in the pit of your stomach gets even worse.  We have all been there.  Most people can recall a situation where silence was just a thick fog you couldn’t find your way out of.

Then there was yesterday.  3 hours in a car, no music playing, the only noise was the occasional comment from the GPS.  The silence was not welcome, the atmosphere was heavy.  I really didn’t know what to do.  If you think enough about it, you can usually figure out the ‘why’ but the ‘how’ to fix it is often elusive.

So there I was, completely aware of just how long I was going to be stuck in this situation.   No escape to be found, I had 3 hours ahead & if I am being honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to ‘fix’ it.

I was driving alone.

In fairness, the radio worked, the ipod could shuffle if I plugged it in.  I had the opportunity to add noise and offer myself distraction but I knew that on this morning, the music would not help.  So I buckled up and drove.

Some things have happened recently that I have not fully processed.  Nothing that made the news, nothing that needs to be advertised, just stuff.  We all have it.  We have great times, we have good times, we have times where we just tread water & there are those moments that we all feel like we are drowning.  The drowning feeling happens to everyone at different times, the drowning trigger just depends on who you are & what is going on.  There are days when we can deal and there are days when we just feel like we don’t know how.

There are things I have to do that I am really not sure I want to.  Changes to be made that I am afraid of.  There is a need for surrender but I fight it as if it was a death match.  Knowing & doing are often on opposite ends of the spectrum.

The insecurities, the demons, the negative self-talk, the fear, were all passengers on this ride.  My head and heart had a few skirmishes as well.

We all have them, if you think you don’t then you are either way to evolved to read this post or you are better at denial than I am.

Sometimes you just need to get real with yourself and yesterday morning I did.  There are days you just have to listen to all the parts of you that need to be heard.  We are all big hot messes in our own way.  When we ignore the bad, sad, ugly we can’t grow.  You need to be willing to deal with the uncomfortable, to take some responsibility, to at least try to admit your mistakes and acknowledge your fears or they just get stronger.


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