For the last few years, I have been searching. My searching has led me to so many wonderful books, interviews, TED talks & amazing conversations. When I am in that mindset, I feel as though I am learning and growing. Lately, I haven’t been reading or journaling.
It would appear that I needed a wake up call. The wake up call arrived at 4:26 am Saturday morning & before 6 am Sunday morning. I decided to listen. I got up in the quiet of the very early weekend mornings & picked up some of the books I hadn’t finished, grabbed a notebook & a pen and returned.
Funny how you find what you need to hear when you are open to listen. It doesn’t always feel good when words jump off pages & smack you around but when they do, it is often best to let them.
So although I have never sat in a meeting, the Serenity prayer has been floating through my mind & I feel as though I needed to add a cheat sheet to it:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (others)
Change the things I cannot accept (in myself)
& the wisdom to know the difference (we all know the difference, it is just so much easier to want to change others)
The 4 Agreements is a re-read for me but where did I leave off?
“When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs & create conflict. You make something big out of something little, because you have the need to be right and make everyone else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. In the same way, whatever you feel & do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements. What you say, what you do & the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made and these opinions have nothing to do with me.”
I have been feeling convicted to examine my ‘stuff’. I had a vision of what I wanted my future to look like. It was my ‘dream’ based on me. When you forget that everyone has their own ‘dream’ or ‘vision’ life has a way of reminding you.
Don’t take anything personally is 1 of the 4 Agreements. All 4 are hard but right now, this one is the most difficult for me. I have been frustrated, restless and a bunch of other emotions that would not qualify as grateful or positive.
I don’t usually identify myself as a victim but I have come to see that I have been feeling that a lot of things in my world have been feeling unfair & wrong. I got stuck there.
My dream needs some modification. I need to figure out what I thought it was, throw out the pieces that no longer belong there, ask myself if some of those things I wanted still belong in my dream and what changes, if any do I need to make for them to remain. Some things will stay, some will no longer fit.
I am exhausted but there is surprisingly a glimmer of peace in acceptance.