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written in 2009

Aug 21, 2009

Life & Death ~ this is what happens after 10 hrs in the car

 
Moments frozen in time
 
So September marks all kinds of things for people.  Sometimes it’s the beginning of fall or maybe the beginning of a new school year.  Fall brings me emotional highs and lows.   Stealing from writers far more talented than I am, it was the best of times it was the worst of times.  

September brings my first born child’s birthday the best of times. 

September brings the beginning of the end of my mother’s life, the worst of times. 

October brings my second child’s birthday, the best of times. 

October marks the end of my mother’s life, the worst of times. 

 
 I never thought much about the idea of moments frozen in time.  I certainly have memories but never gave much thought to actual pictures that I can see as clearly as if it was happening all over again.  I’m more of a musical reference and written word kind of girl, as opposed to a picture type.  Pictures are not my normal ‘visual’ art type of reference.  Maybe in some ways it makes them more important or poignant since they are outside of my normal.
 
As September sneaks ever closer, those frozen images start to replay in my mind. 
 
*  Meeting my daughter for the first time
 
*  Sitting at my mother’s bed, in the intensive care unit of Columbia Presbyterian hospital, telling her that if she could get better to stay, but if she couldn’t, that it was alright to let go. 
 
*  Walking through the room where you pick out caskets at the funeral home.
 
*  My 5 week old daughter all strapped in her infant carrier at my mother’s wake being protected by loving family.   
 
*  The realization that while I felt cheated that my newborn baby would never get to know my mother, I also thought about the fact that my two brothers would not have their mother for the traditional mother/son dance at their weddings.   
 
*  That no matter how big my loss, as the oldest I had more time than any of my siblings with her. 
 
*  That from the moment the phone rang, not shedding a tear until turning away from the casket at the cemetery.  
 
*  Truly having a hard time understanding how the entire world could just continue to go on with their lives while my world had just shattered into a million pieces.
 
So writing girl blogs it while Green Day’s ‘Wake me up when September Ends’ is running through her mind (back to my comfort zone).
 
~~Happy almost 13th Birthday Baby and I love you Mom~~
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