begin again

I am divorced (insert dramatic pause for effect…).  You may be thinking so?  Big deal, half of the marriages end in divorce.  Well, I guess I never really thought a lot about it before I became a new statistic.

I mean, in reality we can all be boiled down to statistics but I was in the married bucket for so long that ending up on the other side of the fence is still kind of strange & foreign.  It feels like when you first went away to college.   You need time to figure it all out.  You were living at home with your parents for your whole life and then suddenly you are living in a dorm with strangers.  Everything is exciting but maybe a little scary.  It doesn’t mean it’s bad but it’s a whole new world. 

You are different now, you are no longer what you were.  No matter how liberated or independent you are as a person, you were part of a couple and now you aren’t.  You had a life, a history maybe a family.  You had a partner, now you have an ‘ex’.  For me, a lot of my life didn’t change with routines and daily life, still taking kids to school & doing a lot of the things I have always done, just now there is no one else there to share it with.

Our divorce was ‘good’, if that is possible.  In the scheme of things we said we would try to work everything out & not blame each other, especially for the kids.  We wanted to give more than lip service to putting the kids first.  We truly wanted not to add to what already was a devastating event in their lives.  So we both tried, not sure that we were or are always successful but we did a pretty good job.  It doesn’t make it pain free, it doesn’t erase the sadness or feelings of failure but I guess it hopefully keeps the damage to a minimum.

No, I am not delusional, there was absolutely damage.  Time & healing is needed for everyone.  All I’m saying is that we tried not to make it any worse than it already was.  I think we are shooting for being like Bruce & Demi (well before her rehab stint).

It is strange, recreating a relationship with your husband, well, ex-husband.  Suffice to say, it is weird.  How do you stop being a part of someone’s life when they were your life or half of it for such a long time?

So what may actually be suprising (or not) is that most people don’t even know that we are divorced.

‘Relationship status’ for both of us were hidden long ago & we moved from the town we lived in so unless we make an announcement which is even weirder than how do you ‘notify’ people of a divorce?

I mean there is the old word of mouth & gossip but I don’t know how well that actually worked in this case.  The closest people know but really the last thing I think either of us wanted to do was have a facebook ‘confessional’ uproar.  I mean you misspell a word in your status & the sky is falling down.  (In fairness, I am the grammar police but usually only in my head)

But I digress (which should you return, you will find I do often). 

In the end I guess I needed to say it.  Perhaps this is my announcement, my acknowledgement of this huge change and a large part of why I started this.

I need to find me, who I am today.  Not who I think I am or who I used to be.  Not a mother or an ex-wife but who I have become.  Yes, I am a mother and a daughter, friend and so many other things but who am I inside, what do I like, love and enjoy at 45? 

This is my journey


4 thoughts on “begin again

  1. I wish that I could have been there to support you. You’re my oldest and dearest friend and it makes me so sad to realize that we’ve drifted apart (physically, obviously, but I guess emotionally as well). Life is crazy and I’ve let stupid stuff get in the way of spending time staying connected with you and I’m sorry for that. Thank you for letting me be part of your life vicariously now through your blog and know that I miss you and care about you very much.

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